The making of Jillian Starlette.
With her recent rise to fame and now being named as one of the worlds top ten wedding fauxtographers (within just a few short moments of picking up the camera), Jillian Starlette asked us to post something to give everyone a little insight into the steps it took for her to get where she is today. She is convinced photographers everywhere want to know! We understand she thinks of herself as a writer, and as you will see, she is fantastic. We at STUDIO UGLY, and all of our fans, look forward to reading what it takes to be a star! And now, without further ado, in her very own words, we bring to you the making of Jillian Starlette according to Jillian Starlette as seen by Jillian Starlette and no one else...
It's about half way through the wedding season and I figured why not show off how incredibly cool JB and I are. I mean, we're so cool your eyes may freeze out of your skull just by looking at my bountiful cleavage. We are that cool. At least "I" am that cool. Oh, and on the very rare occasions when we have to actually show up and shoot weddings, we're infinity x cool {to the 100th power}. Granted this equation = zero as you have to solve the set inside the { } in a differential equation, before you solve for x. X being the amount of cool we are. So you can see that {nothing to the power of one hundred is zero} therefor infinity x cool x zero would be zero, we are, in essence, not cool in the slightest. I do, however, stand all day long in a waterfall of sunshine with rainbows shooting out of my head in unicorn land.
In honor of my coolness, I wanted to share a bit of my history and how I came to be so cool...
Timing is everything. It all started when Jay Davis shot my wedding. He noticed my raw potential as a Hollywood typecast for the latest celebrity idolization trend. This was also a time when the corporations realized they could create a sort of celebrity set of wedding photographers to act as salesmen. The idea is that we portray a personality the masses can relate to, get them to follow us as their inspiration and role model for photographic aspirations, then sell them on the gadgets and gizmo's placed in our hands by the corporate giants. In the process, photographers have been able to come up with their own products to sell. This method of helping the sales photographers become rich keeps us all licking the ass of the corporate beast without question. I was discovered as the perfect typecast around the same time blogger, Tila Tequila, got her start in the reality series, "a shot at love with Tila Tequila". As you know, she portrayed herself as a sexy vixen, and obviously this approach worked. Hollywood knows what it is doing! This is why my original blog features a bio photo of myself looking like a phone sex advertisement. Sex sells. Jay Davis, being the business savvy user of Hollywood name dropping and already a corporate whore himself (however, we will all profess that it is the work of god), sent me to meet with industry heavy-weight photographer, Ian Lipshits.
"I walked up the flight of stairs to his office and stood outside the door for two seconds too long. Within those two pulsating heart beats, I questioned why I was there. Well, of course I did, I am barely alive with a heart beating only 60 seconds per minute when under great a deal of anxious stress and after climbing several flights of stairs. Imagine how low it would be when completely relaxed! While my mind wandered to the depths of heart beats and the fact that I am still existing, I suddenly remembered where my thoughts began...why I am about to walk into this Belmont Shore office. I should not have allowed those 2 seconds to be stolen, damn the wandering mind; I should have held them tightly, taking the breath right out of them, collapsing right there, right then!
He's on the phone when I walk in and looks at me like any man might look at a hot woman with a prominent display of rotund cleavage. He forgot...I just knew he would forget. This is why I chose to wear the low cut blouse. I knew I could pull in his interest with the right outfit. He places his tanned hand over the phone's mouth (start sensual close up of french film cliche) and whispers for me to have a seat. I am proud of my legs in this skirt. I gladly take a seat, slowly crossing my legs, keeping my eyes on his glance. I begin pouring over his images. Beautiful. Breathtaking, really. What I really want him to say is that taking these pictures was easy and he'll be more than happy to show me how. I want him to ask me to be his apprentice, like a common day Claudel and Rodin, if you know what i mean. I'll accept his offer and then we'd celebrate with Godiva chocolate-dipped strawberries and flutes of champagne. Yes, my daydreaming involved alcohol. Alcohol gives me the courage I need to sell myself.
He recommends what lenses I should purchase. In another day dream, I imagine he offers them to me for free or at least for an exchange of sorts. I dutifully write down what each lens specializes in. Ceremony, check. Preparation detail, check. Reception, got it. The photography course is over. I can officially go into business as a wedding photographer.
The phone rings and he excuses himself. I drink more imaginary champagne. He hangs up and tells me to feel free to look around. I ease myself from the chair, completely aware of my body as it arches in the most flattering of moves. He is typing away at his computer. I want his attention, so I purposely knock a stack of photos from his desk. I bend down to pick them up, certain that his eyes are on me. They are his photos, not mine. However, I flip through the images as I gather the pile now scattered across the floor. Some are postcards, some are invitations. As I restack the cards, one falls to the floor again. When I reach down to pick it up, I read a return address from the wedding invitation. Unbelievable. 2459 Jillian Starlette Way. I look up and give him a crooked smile. He takes the bait. I give him what he needs.
While I am thankful we've met and he did sacrifice 3 minutes of his time, I leave his office feeling empty. It occurs to me that selling myself has left a vacuous hole in the core of my being. After shaking his tanned hand goodbye, I felt good. Sure, my soul felt empty, but I knew then that I would succeed. And, I even had a name... Jillian Starlette. Yes, I would do as they say, but it would be seen as doing things my way, the Jillian Starlette Way...to be more precise."
And this, my friends, is truly how it all began. The first chapter, so to speak. I do plan to write a book. Tila Tequila wrote a book and so I am convinced that I can too! If not, I can always put my name on a book that my sponsors want me to pretend I wrote.
Telling lies is bad according to Jesus but, when it comes to sales and business, lying is different. For example, my very first engagement session was with a couple of friends of mine who were not even dating. I could not find anyone to pose for me for free as I was trying to build my website portfolio, so I bribed my friends and forced them to pretend they were engaged. I encourage others to do this when starting out if they are having a hard time finding subjects. Having these photos will legitimize your website and over inflated pricing. Once you are in business and develop a following of blog stalking fans, you can begin to share your faith in God. Sharing your faith will bring in more fans, create a false bond of trust with potential clients and make you look like a really good person. In this regard, lying is more like part of your mission from God. You have to lie to get into business, and really, you have to keep lying in order to stay in business, but once you are there, you can use Gods name to promote more business as well as use your business contacts to spread his name while furthering your own career. Even if it sounds entirely hypocritical, Jesus understands. And besides, everyone does it. I like to call it "Lying for Jesus".
Categories: anyone can be a wedding photographer
Tags: photographer profile Jillian Starlette
due I detect a hint of sarcasm? The latest StudioUgly blog post hot on the stiletto heels of a self-proclaimed uber-kewl artiste? I'm LOVING IT!
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We would never use sarcasm.
Sarcasm, the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.
- Fyodor Dostoevsky
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Bravo! Another super-insightful and dead-on post from my favorite raux star fauxtographer. Please tour our city next!
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you really ought to get a life. the lengths to which you've gone in a vain attempt to tear someone else down are ridiculous. you should've spent the time you put into this blog trying to better yourself...stop hating the players, hate the game.
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Hello Poignant Observer,
Your name isn't working for us, we always rename our favorite pets here at the studio and you are the current flavor of the minute. Julia thinks the words pickle and noodle are funny, unfortunatly we have already used pickle. I suppose you will have to be our little empty noodle. Empty Noodle...it just rolls off the tongue.
Dear Empty Noodle,
You have us at a disadvantage, we have been wracking our brains for the better part of the last 3 minutes and we can't figure out why you don't love our little Jillian. Why on earth would you think we are trying to tear down our top ten FauxTographer©? Our mission here at Studio Ugly is to help every photographer in the world. We also want everyone in the world who doesn't own a camera to run out and buy one so that they too may become a self glorifying wedding photographer. We have studied all of the top sales guru's in the industry and it seems to us, the only thing you have to do is follow the 11 steps to becoming a rock star photographer. If everyone would do this, the entire economy of the world could be based on weddings and soon we will have no recession. We can all just take pictures of each other. Peace and harmony will reign supreme and babies will be born with a 50 1 2 attached to their foreheads. It's a dream, and with your help, I know we can do it! If you have trouble with reading and comprehension, you can always join us on our Freedom to Fail World Tour.
Back to your comment...not only do we not understand why you believe we are tearing poor Jillian down, we are puzzled by the amount of time you think it takes us to write. What better way could we spend the 5 minutes it requires of us to create a blog post using the very words that Jillian herself has written? What could we have improved about ourselves in 5 minutes? Let me go get my "Thinkin" college sweatshirt out of the closet and put that on, maybe it will make me feel smarter. I don't have a thinking cap, I have a sweatshirt I bought while touring a college campus.
Nope, the sweatshirt is not working, I still do not understand and now I can't seem to swallow anymore. I am so worried about this mystery that I think I might die. Maybe I need to go to the hospital so that I don't parish. Oh wait, it's only a cold sore.
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A truth that's told with bad intent, Beats all the lies you can invent.
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If evil be spoken of you and it be true, correct yourself, if it be a lie, laugh at it.
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wise words, and aptly spoken. while it is harsh, it is refreshing to see it addressed. i am pretty sure that is satire defined.
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Don't Hate The Playa/Playette Hate The Game
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Hate the Player and the Game
Are you familiar with the expression "Don't hate the player, hate the game."?
If so, does this expression seem morally acceptable to you? It does not for me.
The last part of the expression, "hate the game", is the simplest to understand and easiest to agree with. This part of the expression is an acknowledgement that the game, whatever it may be, is obviously wrong and deserves to be hated. Thus, this is not the part of the expression that is morally questionable, since it is clear and concise to me.
On the other hand, the first part of the expression, "don't hate the player", casts a moral ambiguity where there should be none. In my opinion, any player of the game is supporting the game and the continuation of the game. And since the game has been accepted as something to be hated, any player playing the game is perpetuating this morally wrong game. Therefore, any player playing the game should be hated for supporting the hated game too.
As a result, this is quite the contrary to the conclusion of the original expression; because in my opinion, it is morally dubious to also not hate any player of a game that is justifiably hated. It is my opinion that this expression intentionally tries to make a morally grey area for an issue that is black and white.
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Mr. Empty Noodles, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
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God Has nothing to do with it! We know it hurts because its true
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The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth. To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient only for a herd of cattle.
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OMG.. This is absolutely hilarious. The whole God-Mob out here in Southern California is enough to make you sick.
As a photographer, Ms. Starlette is a really good blogger!
Actually, the biggest load of crap is how every-single-photographer is a "Top 10" wedding photographer. At some point, there's more Top 10 photographers than non-top-10. Makes you wonder how one becomes a "Top 10"; I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with skill behind the lens.
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All I'm hearing is a bunch of jealousy & unnecessary negativity. I can also tell, by the comments & post that you all seem to think you're smart and witty which if that were the case, you would have made something of yourselves, & we would have all heard of you by now. DO you even have a job? Who spends their time blogging this just to bring someone else down??
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I do so love the yo MTV raps psychological evaluation of "Ya'll just be hatin" from the fanboy and fangirls of the Christian Coalition.
We are ...
http://www.JuliaBailey.com
We haven't kept this a secret.
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Can you write something about Tofurious and his "foh duh pwice of won wedding, you can shpend foh hours wiff me in a hotel woom...learning aww about SEO."
That guy gives me hives.
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I look forward to playing more often. I was curious how things were going, considering you have been out of town so much lately. Hope all is well.
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The interlocking woven fabric of underlying truth sprinkled with sarcasm and inlayed with bejeweled self-introspection lay atop a story which can not be comprehended as fact, fiction or experience – real or imagined. The din which it creates in my brain is a swirling torrent of confusion and admiration. As I sit spinning on a chair of bewildered reverie waiting with baited breath for another story about J.S. all that I can think to share with you about this and how it has expanded my emotional awareness is, and I quote (myself), “Grunt.”
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With her recent rise to fame and now being named as one of the worlds top ten wedding fauxtographers (within just a few short moments of picking up the camera), Jillian Starlette asked us to post something to give everyone a little insight into the steps it took for her to get where she is today.
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Very brave move wouldn't have the courage to do anything like that.
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hey losers.
You have wayy too much time on your hands.
seriously. common.
just because you are jealous of everyone elses success doesn't mean that you have to tear down everyone else. And just because you are a little punk ass immature kid, doesnt mean you ought to be hatin'. They are the leaders of this industry. Thankfully you are not. And you never will be because you have no balls. You can't even say things face to face, you have to diss other with your blog. You are a coward. and You may not see it, but everyone else does.
I hope you grow up and see your errors.
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